plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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