Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
