Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
