I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
