i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
