I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
