I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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