I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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