I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
