apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
