I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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