wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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