I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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