..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
