You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
