You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
