zippers are such a cool invention
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
