Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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