I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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