Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
