Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
