i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
