I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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