Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
