I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
