I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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