worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize