is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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