He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
