i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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