matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
