Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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