Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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