you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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