Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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