And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
