I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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