There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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