the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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