nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hippo gnu deer
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
