when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
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all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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