This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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