my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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