Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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