I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
