did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
