dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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