Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
