I haven't been this sober since birth.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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