I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
