ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
