Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
