dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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