I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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