he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
