Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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